"I want Soy Milk!"

Suzanne just yelled. She's rather obsessed with "milk" that comes from plants: Soy milk, rice milk...almond milk? Maybe. We've never tried it.

Here's a FUNNY story from the week.
Ryan has been running with me. I'm trying this "running" thing out. So far, so good. I've always found it boring. Having Ryan run with me makes it tons more enjoyable.

Last Wednesday we went for a run. Luke was riding his bike while we pushed Eric and Suzanne in strollers. We live in the farming area of Cache valley. So, we were passing ditches, cows, aluminum cans (which I'll pick up later, ha! recycling is such an obsession), birds. We had gone quite a way when Luke started slowing down. Ryan and I knew he was behind us; we knew the road wasn't busy; and we knew he'd eventually catch up. Or at least we thought so. . .

The next thing I know, Luke is yelling, "I love you guys, PLEASE don't leave me." He had run out of energy and was parked at the side of the road. We had almost reached a turn-around-point, so I yelled back, "Sit on the side of the road and look at the ditch." He said okay, so we started running/walking again. Then we hear, "I just want to let you know that I love you guys."

Here's a SAD story for the week:
We went and saw Parker, 18 months old, in the hospital yesterday. For those of you who don't know, he is our nephew. He's in the hospital waiting for a heart transplant. We've heard lots of stories about how well he is doing. I was rather surprised when I saw him because he was not as well as I had pictured in my mind's eye from the stories. He looks like he's lost a lot of weight from the last time I saw him. His hair was a strange unnourished texture. His skin is nearly white and his eyes are circled with the dark marks of illness. He was responsive to his mother but seemed otherwise despondent. Currently, his IV is located in his head, and he has a feeding tube in his nose. It was a difficult sight. As I mentioned, he is waiting for a heart and is dependent on medication to keep his heart pumping--hence he's still in the pediatric intensive care unit (PICU) and will be until the heart comes.

I was appalled to learn for him to "get a heart" it would have to be taken from a child that had died from shaken baby syndrome, physical abuse, or a "instant death" car accident. It was an enlightening and sad visit to the hospital.

an EASTER evaluation:
We also went to a picnic with Ryan's family yesterday. I took Megan Wilcken with me and she brought Megan, her roommate (currently last-name-less), with her. They were TOO fun to have around. The kids really enjoyed their time and played really hard. I caught Suzanne picking at some of the sweets they had brought several times. I'm not sure who, but someone made chocolate/peanut butter easter eggs and had named icing on them. Suzanne started eating "Lee" --her younger cousin...so if anyone is wondering WHY there was a bite out of his. . . . .

The BIG SURPRISE:
I have been praying "Why do I have this anxiety disorder? This struggle with mental illness?" Several weeks ago I woke up impressed to wean off the Zoloft I have been taking for the last two years. I made an appointment with a local doctor that said he would help "oversee" the process and explained the best way to do that.

As I started weaning off, I noticed I was feeling GREAT! The best I have felt in a really long time. Then about a week and a half ago, I started having problems sleeping. I would tell myself, "I just need a 'good night's sleep' and then I'll be okay." The next morning I'd wake-up and think I was over the worst of it. Then I wouldn't sleep the next night either. The last 72 hour have been the most intense I have experienced in years. Most people will never know or understand; most people have never seen me crumble like Ryan has. It's hard on both of us.

I had him give me a blessing. It said: "We need to reemphasize this is a weakness to keep me from pride and close to the Lord. This was a weakness that would be made strong and that there would come a time when I wouldn't need mediation any more." Then I had the distinct impression that it would come, but it wouldn't come in this life.

I'm not sure where I will go from here on maintaining this challenge. It is difficult not to feel like a failure because I can't "snap out of it." All hard things--not bad--just hard. Then it occurred to me, this is the answer to my prayer. I prayed to understand WHY? and in the blessing I was told specifically "why." The Lord does answer our prayers--even if it is NOT the answer we want.