Ryan's gone for the weekend to do the interview in Logan. I was going to go with him and decided against it last minute. I'm kicking myself now. I've had very little adult interaction this week (except for the funeral yesterday)--Maybe it's more like--I've had very little Ryan interaction this week. So, I miss him and I'm bored.
Intellectually bored, oh wait! this is why I started a Master's degree. I've been tempted to register for a couple classes. I'm pretty sure it's fiscally irresponsible right now.
Today it feels like being a wife and stay-at-home mom sucks. I remember someone asking my sister when she was first married, "How's married life?" Her answer surprised me. She basically said, if I knew I was signing up to be a maid, I would have thought twice. Why does it seem like men get to do what ever they want to do? Go where ever they want to go and we are supposed to agreeably go with them? I've watched my friends. They seem much more content at home. This is when I always wonder what my problem is...
I like having a list of things to do and accomplishing them...i.e. checking them off the list and then moving on to a new challenge. If I were a doctor, I would not be able to see the chronically ill because I couldn't "heal" them. I couldn't "check it off the list."
The thing is: the laundry is never done, the dishes continue to get dirty, I cannot seem to keep the living room clean, it seems I can barely meet the needs of my children because their needs are always demanded at the same instant. To top it all off, I'm exhausted--I don't know if it's the stress, the lack of sleep, or lack of "things to look forward to." I'm sure it's a combination of them all. The Bridget bank is empty; withdraws are a deep shade of red.
This is when Ryan always asked me, "what are you going to do to help yourself?" I think men can ask this question because they do not feel the maternal draw to make sure their children are well-cared for and well-nurtured. As long as "basic" needs are met, that seems to be enough. I do not think men feel the cultural obligation to over see the house hold, grocery shop or any other number of tasks that MUST be done to satisfy the innumerable needs that can be shot at a mother/wife at any moment.
Truly, I just want to settle down. I'm SO TIRED of moving. I'm tired of changing jobs (not that we had much of a choice with this one). I'm sad I am not getting to work on my education any more. I'm overwhelmed with the ages of my children and their constant needs. I'm drained by the indecisiveness in our lives. I'm so grateful we didn't buy a house; and at the same time, I wish we had a mortgage to keep our feet on the ground instead of this "Hot Air Balloon" lifestyle we seem to lead. I'm not sure if I am going to even unpack after we move this time. The effort seems pointless.
Oh well....I'm trying to enjoy being a stay-at-home mom. I guess today I am the embodiment of some neglected needs--too much information huh? (wink, wink)
My BIGGEST BLESSING right now is Luke and Suzanne are old enough to play together and keep each other fairly entertained.
All I have to say is that you are and I are both in a very hard season in our lives! I know exactly how you fell, and it is not easy- Maybe you could add things to your list like I have cleaned the room once, even though it did not stay clean but I at least did it once. I think that you are a lot like me where you need the verbal gradification to feel like you have accomplished anything that day and you know what- it never happens and if it does it is not as often as you would like, so to that we have to change our way of thinking - easier said than done, read oh remember remember by President Eyring, and look for the little blessing in your life- I am not saying that you are not being greatful but it has helped me a great deal so this is my suggestion-
ReplyDeleteI also just watched a 20/20 about happiness on TV and it was very instresting and how one chooses how happy they are. well hope that this make sense and that you can fell more confidant in yourself, after all we only have this one day once. talk to you later
I have discovered that gratitude is the link to happiness. BUT i love this entry...never forget you are an individual and you have needs. There is no law that outlines your role. Get frustrated about gender roles. Do what feels right. not all women are made to be house wifes. and that is okay. Your kids are awesome and you are doing an amazing job being you- a mother.
ReplyDeleteI've had similiar feelings lately. Some quotes that have helped me lately are:
ReplyDelete"Work is love made visible.." Elder Maxwell
"Treat your children with great kindness..."
Pres. Hinckley
"Pause to help and lift another, finding strength beyond my own"
Hymn, Lord, I would Follow Thee
So when I put those folded clothes away that no one notices, or take time to make a nice, warm, nutricious meal that isn't vocally appreciated, or tidy a room, clean the bathroom, make the bed, unpack a box, pay the bills, etc. it makes it a little easier to do it with purpose. I know that Heavenly Father sees and knows and appreciates all that we do for his precious little ones.