Remembering What REALLY Matters

Karamu Walkway

Living in New Zealand has been one of the most instructive, difficult things we have done, and we've done some hard things. It's been a rewarding, an eye-opening, and a thoughtful time. It's brought out our worst, and it's brought out our best. It's fundamentally changed each of us. We are quieter and more cautious, yet more quickly enraged at injustice and deception. It's demanded all our reserves of faith and humanity, of patience and love, and heightened our sense of what it means to live life. 

Yet, during this highly educational time, nothing is more profound than knowing that my grandma is dying and I am so far away. So far away that I may not be able to make it to her funeral, if or when, she passes from this life. It's made me reflect, as I often have on this journey, about what really matters. 

When I teach writing, I often tell my students not to use the word "really," but today it is the most appropriate word on which I can draw. What REALLY matters?

This PhD does not really matter. When I think about my grandma's life, how she had NOTHING this world could provide, yet she was so full of love, I wonder what my obsession is with 'getting stuff' and 'gaining social status.' When my marriage becomes a place of tension instead of a place of refuge, then I know the stress of a PhD is not worth my relationship with a good man. I am not ready to give up on my goal, but its place in my priority list is adjusting. In the end, what really matters is my marriage and my relationship with others. 

Living overseas doesn't really matter. There is no question, it's been an awesome experience to live on an island—it was a bucket list thing—but when I need my family, when I need to be with people with whom I have a "history," I cannot. While I have been schooled in a way I could not have been without living overseas, I sometimes wonder if all these challenges are worth it. When I see my grandma, lying in her bed, breathing and being just to stay alive, I wonder why I came. I wonder what was so important that I would live my homeland where I am extremely blessed. In the end, what really matters is being grateful for what I have where I am, and choosing to be happy.

Please note: No matter how romantic the fantasy you might consider your "dream life" to be, it is likely best lived in a dream.

What really matters is others, what matters is my family. I love my children. Nothing has demanded I be a better mom than being the "only" mom...no grandmas around. No grandmas to go to when I need a break or when they need a break from me. Many moms deal with this for years or most of their "mom" lives. I was spoiled living a mile away from a grandma, my mom. My grandmas are wonderful! I remember my Grandma Culler—the one currently living one breath-at-a-time—peeling and cutting me apples and letting me play at her house for hours without worry or restraint. Grandma's house was safe and fun. I remember her taking me to Durango, CO for an adventure only we would share. My Grandma Reynolds always had the encouraging words I needed. Grandmas and grandpas are important. Grandmas and grandpas and family really matter. 

What really matters is putting the important things first. Since being overseas means being without extended family or close friends, I MUST be a great mom and enable the little family I have. I’ve always wanted to be a great mom and give my children what they need, but sometimes I am selfish. Spending fun time together and taking to time draw closer without agendas or obligations is important.  In the end, what really matters is being selfless. 

What really matters is being kind. We have met so many kind people—everywhere we go—and I'm always grateful for those who are kind. There is a sweet Indian man who owns a shop near our home. When I go into the store, he always brings me a basket. He is kind. There are people in our ward who watch out for us; they are so kind. My PhD supervisory committee has watched me struggle and stress. They have been so kind and understanding. My parents FaceTime with me at odd hours; my siblings check on us to make sure we are okay; each one of them is kind and loving. The kindness of those currently around us parallels the kindness of those we've associated with in the past. Each of us has great potential for kindness. My grandmas are both feisty, but ultimately, the kindest women I've known. In the end, what matters is being kind.

When it's all said and done, I want my children and husband to know, they are what really matters. They are the only thing that ever really mattered. I want my friends and family to know they are important to me, too. And, I want my Grandma to know her example taught me what really matters!